


Inexplicable

by Sweetie_Curfy



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: Gender Issues, Genderfluid, Other, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-17
Updated: 2014-06-17
Packaged: 2018-02-04 23:46:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1797760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetie_Curfy/pseuds/Sweetie_Curfy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ash couldn't explain what he was feeling. Not to his friends, anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inexplicable

In theory, Ash knew just how easy it would be to explain it.

It was like a game show wheel with all the choices within a specific spot and pegs on the side to stop in on one, and whichever it lands on is what the person who spun it gets. Except it was all blurred together and there were no pegs and he wasn't in control of when it was spun or how it landed.

And sometimes people would get frustrated over this, claiming that it was his fault that his wheel was like that, or that he was lying, or maybe just confused, or that the wheel couldn't be blurred together like that. And because of so many people saying this not only to him, but to people like him, he was afraid of telling anyone else because he knew that they might leave. He already had abandonment anxiety; he didn't want to make it worse by explaining something as silly as his gender.

So he kept silent, wore boxers and other male clothes, and kept his pronoun as "he," no matter how hard it got or how many times he cried over it.

Yeah. It was that easy.

 Of course, there were times when it wasn't so simple. The days when he was so extremely female, when all he wanted to do was be called a "she" and wear makeup and skirts or dresses were the absolute worst. But then there were days when any gender-specific pronoun would bug him because he'd be both or neither or a mix. Some days, he was completely fine with being called a boy, because, well, that's how he was feeling.

And then there were days like today, when he got caught in one of his forced-identity hating fits.

It wasn't as if he'd been trying to get Brock to see. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He'd gone on a walk so that he could maybe let a few tears go over the fact that he had a penis and not a vagina, and he'd made sure he was far away from the campsite... Okay, and _maybe_ it was really dumb to go sit by the river when he'd had suspicions that they were running low on water, but in the moment, it just seemed like a nice place. He hadn't prepared himself for the rustling behind him to turn out to be his long time traveling partner.

Brock immediately dropped the bottles he'd been holding to rush over to his secretly-gender-confused, sobbing friend. "A-Ash? What is it, what's wrong?"

Ash just shook his head. Brock wouldn't understand. That didn't mean that he wouldn't be persistent, though, he came to realize quickly.

The older joined Ash in pulling off his shoes and sticking his feet in the water before putting his arm around the younger in an attempted comforting way. "C'mon, Ash, you can tell me anything. I promise."

He shook his head again. Brock sighed and looked up to the sky.

"Is it... about Misty? Do you miss her?"

His head shook for the third time.

"What about May? Max? It is because you miss _anyone_? ...No? What about... Are you just discouraged? Ash, you _know_ you're going to make it someday. You don't have to worry about it."

Ash swallowed as best as he could and tried to speak. "I can't explain it."

Brock looked at him curiously. "Why not?"

"It's too complicated. Too hard. Too confusing. Too risky. I just can't. I'm sorry."

Brock hummed. "It looks like you and Dawn could have a talk then."

He raised an eyebrow and looked at him. "W-What do you...?"

"She said the same thing to me this morning," he explained. "I caught her taking a shot. I thought it might be medical reasons, but the way she acted... I think she might be doing drugs of some sort. Anyway, she said the same thing, that it was too complicated and risky to explain."

Ash sniffed. "How do you know that I'm not on drugs, too?"

"I don't," Brock confessed. "But I know you well enough and trust that you wouldn't. I feel like yours is a much bigger thing."

He looked at the water. _Well... You're not wrong,_ he thought.

* * *

So he decided to talk to her.

Only thing was, he had no clue how to begin.

Brock had sent the two of them off to collect some fruit for dinner that evening, (even though Ash knew what the real reasoning behind it was.). And here they were. Alone in the woods together. They'd been talking about different things, from gym battles to contests, but to Ash, it felt like they'd been dancing around the subject for so long, and his feet were getting sore from doing so. In the end, he decided to just come right out and ask her.

"Dawn, are you on drugs?"

She dropped her fruit and screeched out something along the lines of, " _What_?!" Ash realized that that might not have been the best approach, but it was too late now.

"Brock said he saw you taking a shot. He thinks it's drugs, but... I'm not sure. You're not, are you?"

The blush on her face was so intense, Ash feared the blood would break skin. "N-No! It's not! I promise you!"

He stared at her skeptically; she sighed.

"Look, I'm being honest when I saw that I'm not on drugs. But... I can't explain what it actually is. It's too... risky. And you probably wouldn't understand."

Ash hummed and looked at the ground. "I... I get it." He saw out of the corner of his eye that she turned to look at him. "I have something, too, that's really hard to explain and usually ends up in that person hating me forever. But I mean... I'll tell you mine, if you promise to keep it a secret, if you tell me yours, and I'll keep that secret too... I mean, if you want..."

She looked back at the ground and sighed. "Yeah... Yeah, okay, sure."

The gender-confused took a deep breath, bracing himself for the rejection, and looked at the blunette in front of him. "I've got some really weird issues with my gender."

Her head shot up; Ash immediately felt his world crash around him. "R-Really?"

He bit his lip and continued. "Yeah... I-It's like, some days, I feel like I'm supposed to be a guy and I was born how I should be and everything. But then. There are days when I feel like I should have been born a girl like you instead. And there are days where I feel like a mix or neither or both, and it's really confusing. And then there are days like today..." He sighed, trying to get rid of the sudden shake in his voice and looking towards the roots in the dirt. "And I don't know what I am, or why I'm like this, and all I can think is, 'why me?' and wish I was normal so I could just act like I want and never have to worry about it, even though I can't help but wonder all the time, and I just..."

He felt tears prickling at his eyes, and when he blinked to try to get rid of them, one escaped and slid down his cheek. "Sorry. Sorry, I guess you wouldn't want to hear all of that. Sorry. I won't be offended if you were to leave or anything. I mean, I would if I could. I wouldn't want to be around a freak like me, who can't even determine his own gender." A second tear escaped and joined the first, followed by a third. "Sorry, sorry, I don't know why I'm getting so emotional over this..."

He felt a pair of arms wrapping around him, and he returned the gesture. "Ash, calm down. I understand completely."

He sniffed. "Y-You...?"

Dawn pulled away and looked him in the eye. "Yeah. You know what my secret was? I'm Transgender. I was born as a guy. That shot Brock saw me taking was for estrogen, since my body doesn't make much of it."

Ash bit his lip and looked at the ground again. "So, does that mean I'm Transgender, too...?"

"I don't think so," she replied, furrowing her eyebrows in thought. "I think you'd be a thing called Genderfluid. It's like, your gender changes often. Like, you can feel like a girl for a while, but then suddenly be a boy, and then just as quickly not have a gender."

"That... sounds like me..."

She smiled. "Great! Now, I get the feeling Brock and everyone are starting to wonder what we're doing... Come on, let's finish this up." She turned and hurried off to find more fruit; Ash wiped his eyes and followed suit.

* * *

 

A few hours later, the group was beginning to pack up the campsite and head on their way. Brock walked over to Ash as he was filling his bag up.

"So did you and Dawn talk?" he asked with a smile. Ash grinned and nodded.

"Yeah, it really helped. Thanks for suggesting it and everything."

"Just doing my job. Hey, by chance, did you, uh..." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "Did you find out if Dawn is... you know... On drugs?"

Ash looked over to where Dawn was placing things in her bag, keeping Pikachu and Piplup entertained in the process. He heard her laugh; he smiled gently at the sound.

"No... She was just taking something that's necessary for her to be herself."


End file.
